Tuesday, April 20, 2010

He's Gone (Part Two)

The closest person to me to have died was my Grandmother when I was very young. I remember her being on breathing machines but we would take long walks anyway. I remember her in the hospital, just shortly before she died, lots more machines were attached to her and she was very unhappy. She died shortly after. There was no funeral that I know of. I've never been to her grave, if there even is one.

To this day I have not experienced death of anyone close or even been to a funeral. I've never seen a dead body.

nnenn was the closest thing to a friend I've had in a long while. I do have other close friends but we have grown apart as jobs have changed and the miles between have grown. I doubt that nnenn thought of me as a friend. I had nothing to offer him, I only took. But as my teacher, of sorts, I latched onto him very quickly and refused to let go.

I did not like everything nnenn built and shared with us. I did not understand or agree with everything he said or believed. But he taught me a lot none the less and I wanted more. A part of me wanted to impress him.

Now that the initial shock of his death has passed, I find myself somewhat lighter than I was before. He is not here for me to impress or to be motivated by. I have to do it all for myself again. I have no style of my own, no clever techniques (well, maybe a few, but they are not very impressive), and no direction.

Just build and hope it is enough to get me to the next model.

I do not enjoy the building process as much as other people seem to. I enjoy the finished product. The process just gets in the way of end. nnenn's simple builds were a godsend for me. By building like he does, I was able to build more in a single month than I had built in ten years. I did not like everything that I did, but some of them were actually really good.

Because of nnenn, I was able to build them. Because of nnenn, I will be able to build many more models in the future and some of them will be great.

1 comment:

violetsareblue said...
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